NOTE: Yesterday, Sunday I was feeling guilty and sad. Chris asked me to tell her how I was feeling and she typed up my responses to that question.
I feel like I’ve become extremely insecure since the lipedema stuff (treatment) started. I just feel like a total wimp. Very weak. Not able to make decisions. Physically and emotionally weak. Not on point, like anybody could walk over me. For me, that’s a real new sensation.
It’s like when I got out of the hospital the first time and you (Chris) brought me the little turtle. I was scared to death of it because it was trying to crawl out of the container he was in and I couldn’t do anything to stop him. I knew he was going to start crawling up on me. I felt helpless.
I have to take my knees off (compression garments) to get up and go anywhere. The addition of the arms is horrible because you lose the ability to move. So I’m ending up wearing only the top part.
Maybe it’s not so much insecurity. I just don’t feel free. I’m all bound up.
Last night I didn’t wear my compression shorts to bed and felt so guilty that I got up part way through the night to put them on.
It’s really playing a head trip on me.
For the most part, I’m moving tons better than I used to, and can walk better, but it’s still not normal.
With the compression shorts, I’m always aware that they are there. They aren’t really tight, but I have to plan to go to the bathroom and leave myself enough time to get them pulled up.
It’s sad because I finally have all this freedom since I can now move freely, but to keep it this way I have to wear all this stuff that makes it hard to move.
The payoffs are big. It’s kind of hard to remember them.
It’s easy to get in and out of the car. We can go swimming and I’m in a smaller size swimsuit now. I can walk the dogs for a little while when I couldn’t even think of doing that before. I can bend my legs and almost sit in a modified cross legged position, which is something I haven’t been able to do in many, many years. I can get in and out of bed fairly easily. I can get out of chairs without help and can fit in some chairs that I couldn’t fit into before. My clothes are fitting better, and are really too big for me, but I’m waiting a little longer before buying new clothes. But the day is coming.
I just have to keep reminding myself why I’m doing the compression therapy, the benefits of doing it. It’s possible to wear yourself out doing too many new compression therapies at once. Your body has to adjust. You have to learn to balance it all out, to remember what your priorities are. You have to learn when you can take breaks, and not go backwards.
I don’t know how my Lyme disease plays into this, either. If I push my compression therapy too hard, I’m worried it might kick off Lymes and I’ll get sick again. So that’s another variable that I’m putting into my body’s equation.
Right now I’m in my favorite chair, just rocking. I never could have done that before. I couldn’t get my knees bent enough to do that. I can swing my legs back and forth when I’m sitting in a high chair. I have the freedom to play with movement like a child. When I can move, I do. It feels wonderful. There is so much freedom in my movements. I can’t begin to imagine how it will feel when I move more freely.