I’ve become extremely insecure

NOTE: Yesterday, Sunday I was feeling guilty and sad. Chris asked me to tell her how I was feeling and she typed up my responses to that question.

I feel like I’ve become extremely insecure since the lipedema stuff (treatment) started. I just feel like a total wimp. Very weak. Not able to make decisions. Physically and emotionally weak. Not on point, like anybody could walk over me. For me, that’s a real new sensation.

It’s like when I got out of the hospital the first time and you (Chris) brought me the little turtle. I was scared to death of it because it was trying to crawl out of the container he was in and I couldn’t do anything to stop him. I knew he was going to start crawling up on me. I felt helpless.

I have to take my knees off (compression garments) to get up and go anywhere. The addition of the arms is horrible because you lose the ability to move. So I’m ending up wearing only the top part.

Maybe it’s not so much insecurity. I just don’t feel free. I’m all bound up.

Last night I didn’t wear my compression shorts to bed and felt so guilty that I got up part way through the night to put them on.

It’s really playing a head trip on me.

For the most part, I’m moving tons better than I used to, and can walk better, but it’s still not normal.

With the compression shorts, I’m always aware that they are there. They aren’t really tight, but I have to plan to go to the bathroom and leave myself enough time to get them pulled up.

It’s sad because I finally have all this freedom since I can now move freely, but to keep it this way I have to wear all this stuff that makes it hard to move.

The payoffs are big. It’s kind of hard to remember them.

It’s easy to get in and out of the car. We can go swimming and I’m in a smaller size swimsuit now. I can walk the dogs for a little while when I couldn’t even think of doing that before. I can bend my legs and almost sit in a modified cross legged position, which is something I haven’t been able to do in many, many years. I can get in and out of bed fairly easily. I can get out of chairs without help and can fit in some chairs that I couldn’t fit into before. My clothes are fitting better, and are really too big for me, but I’m waiting a little longer before buying new clothes. But the day is coming.

I just have to keep reminding myself why I’m doing the compression therapy, the benefits of doing it. It’s possible to wear yourself out doing too many new compression therapies at once. Your body has to adjust. You have to learn to balance it all out, to remember what your priorities are. You have to learn when you can take breaks, and not go backwards.

I don’t know how my Lyme disease plays into this, either. If I push my compression therapy too hard, I’m worried it might kick off Lymes and I’ll get sick again. So that’s another variable that I’m putting into my body’s equation.

Right now I’m in my favorite chair, just rocking. I never could have done that before. I couldn’t get my knees bent enough to do that. I can swing my legs back and forth when I’m sitting in a high chair. I have the freedom to play with movement like a child. When I can move, I do. It feels wonderful. There is so much freedom in my movements. I can’t begin to imagine how it will feel when I move more freely.

37 comments

    1. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I can read the positives and the logic in your reflections on where you are – which is a long way from where you were. Many of us our with you in spirit and, of course, you have Chris and yourself in body.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I think, that no matter what is new to us, it can also make us insecure, Cee.
    Good to hear, that you are able to move more around, that you have been before. It is a pleasure to move ourselves, when we feel like it and not fun not to be able to do so.
    Good that you and Chris have each other 😀

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  2. I’m sure it feels totally counter-intuitive to have to bind yourself up so tightly in compression garments, effectively reducing your immediate mobility in the short-term in order to increase your overall mobility in the long-term, but bear with it, Cee, I’m sure it will be worth it and you’ll feel so much better about it once your lipedema reduces enough to offset the uncomfortable inconvenience of the constrictive compression therapy that gets you there ❤ Sending love and hugs to both you and Chris

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  3. I have a friend who caught on fire and was very badly burned. He had to wear a compression garment for over a year to keep the scarring down. He ended up marrying a beautiful nurse he met in the hospital, recovered fully, went back to work and is very happy. Be patient Cee and everything will work out for the best.

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  4. 🙂 Dear Cee,
    I think I’d feel equally stressed out if I couldn’t move around properly and if something is so tight, it would scare me.
    Keeping my fingers crossed for you that all will work out and that you will be better very soon!
    Big hug,
    Claudia 🙂

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  5. Cee, hi, believe me when I say do sort of feel what you’re going through. It is pointedly summarized by ‘The payoffs are big. It’s kind of hard to remember them.’ This line just leaps off the page. Had, and still have, exactly the same since I’ve had my Deep Brain Stimulation. Best piece of advice that keeps me going came from someone when I said the sacrifices vs the benefits just seemed unfair. To which her reply was ‘fare is what you pay for a ride on the bus’.
    We’ll just have to keep plowing on I guess. It’s worth it. You’re worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m glad Chris wrote this all down, Cee. I think you need to get it out. I internalized a lot of mine when I was going through my cancer stuff….I didn’t want to burden anyone. Yeah, Lois the martyr. Stay the course, Cee. And let it out anytime you need to. That last paragraph was the best!

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  7. I admire your perseverance. What a tough road you are on, but is sounds like it will lead to a better life for you. As it seems to have already – small successes so far. I can’t imagine being bound up like that. Hang in there!

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  8. Just remember Cee, baby steps. All changes must start in baby steps before you can run. Hang in there one day at a time and remember…you are the turtle, not the strawberry. Praying for good results.

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    1. I have my calves and knees in neoprene wraps. Wear compression shorts or capri pants, and now my arms. Not a lot left. Fortunately I don’t have to wear the arms or knees all the time. 😀

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  9. I’m so glad that you found someone who knew of the right treatment for you. Sounds like you are making wonderful progress. I’m sure your fur babies are keeping you company, too. Hugs ❤

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  10. I clicked on the little turtle because it make me laugh. I had no idea what you are going through. I’m so sorry for you. I thought my troubles were bad.
    It is good news to hear that you’re making headway. Will you be well enough to live without the compression? I do hope so.
    Thank God for Chris. I’m glad you are not going through this alone.
    Blessings, Phyllis

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